Open Apology To My Friends That Had A Miscarriage Before I Was A Mom

I remember the day I received the phone call and text. You were seven weeks along and you had lost your sweet angel. Sure, I came to visit you in the hospital, called you, texted you and cried with you but I didn’t really get it. I was not yet a mom and had no idea the bond and love for a child from the very minute of conception. I went on about my life, didn’t remember the anniversary of your loss and never realized how difficult Mother’s Day would be for you. I said all the wrong things from “they are back with Jesus” to “thank goodness you were not that far along.” These horrible things were a far cry from what you needed and wanted to hear. I’m sorry. I thought all the wrong things too from “how can she be so upset?” to “she can have more babies.” I never even asked if you gave them a name so we could talk about them regularly and how loved they in fact were. I in fact never brought them up again, in fear I would upset you. That was wrong, because you think of them every single day and remember there is a missing piece to your family. I never imagined the hurt it must bring you seeing my children that would be around his or her age right now, always wondering who they might have been.

The very minute I found out I was going to be a mom and every time after, I think of you friend. I have never told anyone but I cry for you often. You have more children now, but none can even replace the sweet angel that is not here. I know I didn't do everything right then but I want you to know that I am trying to make up for it now. I do things differently when I have a friend with the loss of an angel baby. I do this because of you and your angel baby. The special baby is making a difference in this world and in the hearts of others just like mine even though they were only here for seven short weeks.  I also want you to know that I get it now, it get it. I will never fully get it because I have never had a loss but now being a mom, I understand. The bond with your child is instant, even if you never get to meet them.

I am so sorry for not being the kind of friend you needed during such a painful time. I am sorry for not recognizing your loss, just because we were never able to meet him or her doesn't mean they didn't’ exist. If I could do it over, if I could have been there for you after I was already a mom I would have done things differently. I would talk to you more about the baby, ask the name, ask to see ultrasound pictures, send you a card and call you on the anniversary, call you on the birthday the angel baby would have had, remind you on Mother’s Day that you are still a mom even though they are not here with you. I would cry with you, bring you meals, think of you often and let you know and I would send you gifts that help you always remember that someone else things of your angel baby just as often as you do. I would walk with you in the valley and help you carry that burden for as long as needed.

You see, I can now be this kind of friend to mommy friends that have suffered a loss because of your angel baby. In seven weeks, without ever even meeting them, they chang

The Five Types Of Children You Meet In the Grocery Store

It’s that moment you go into the grocery alone. You are on a mini vacation while the husband is at home with the children. You plan on leisurely strolling down every aisle, picking up every single item and pretend to read the ingredients just to waste extra time. You taste test the free samples and even go back for seconds. Then suddenly, out of nowhere you hear it. It stops you dead in your tracks and you panic for a moment wondering if that was your child you just heard screaming down an aisle. Nope, not yours, not this time anyways. While on your mini vacation at the grocery store you might run into these five children while you are trying to relax, beware they might make your mini vacation feel more like a stressful day trip.

1.)    The Screamer- You can’t see her yet, but you can hear her clear across the store. She didn’t want to be put into the cart, she wanted to walk and help push the cart into things on the shelf, things in the aisle and random strangers. Her mom wouldn’t let her eat the donuts as they were walking around the store or she wanted to buckle herself in all by herself. The screamer is relentless and will not stop until mom eventually abandons the grocery cart and exits the store quickly.

2.)    The Shelf Grabber- You’ve seen this one, the poor mom pulls a little too close to the shelf, usually the shelf filled with breakable items and before she knows it, she just went from purchasing one jar of baby dill pickles to five. They also just set the entire store into complete panic from the very loud noise of all the glass breaking. You can also point out former shelf grabbers, the mom usually steers the cart directly down the middle of the aisle and doesn’t get close to the shelf after an incident has occurred. Shelf grabbers usually have good reach though and can manage to figure out a way to still knock an item off the store display in the aisle if they can’t reach initial target on shelf.

3.)    The Eater- This child is basically having dinner in the cart while mom shops. They have opened almost everything in the cart, usually just the snacks and they are chowing down. By the time mom gets to the checkout line, she is filling the conveyor belt with empty items.

4.)    The Runner- There she goes! Mom put her down for two seconds because she wanted to “walk like a big girl.” What she really meant is “Put me down so I can bolt down these aisles while you try and catch me.” There goes mom, chasing after her all while calling her name and begging her to stop. She laughs and smiles at every person she passes, deep down she is in pure panic mode and worrying about where she left her cart. Once the runner is caught, mom makes sure she buckles her in. The runner that has been caught, usually turns into the screamer.

5.)    The Aisle Blocker- “Excuse me sweetie. Excuse me. Can I just get past you really quick?” No response. Mom is further down the aisle shopping and the aisle blocker is right in the middle and refuses to let you pass. You swerve to the left with your cart, they dart in front of you. You stand there waiting for mom to notice she has an aisle blocker, doesn’t happen, she’s in the zone. There is no resolution with the aisle blocker, even getting close to them with your cart results in nothing. You are going to have to take a long detour, go around to the next aisle and back up the aisle to go around the aisle blocker.

A Glimpse Into My Thoughts After Having Baby

Let’s be honest, having a baby is very overwhelming, especially your first. You are consumed with emotions, hormones and fears. You go from worrying about your sweet baby inside your stomach to worrying about them the minute they are delivered. Some of my thoughts after giving birth stay the same and others I am not prepared for. I don’t know if you can relate but here is a glimpse inside my first few thoughts after having my first child. Things escalated rather quickly as you are about to read…..

“I don’t hear his cry”

“Wait there it is, he’s ok, and sounds like his lungs are good.”

“Fingers and toes, does he have ten fingers and ten toes. Count them now!”

“Ok, they are all there.”

“Did I have a bowel movement while delivering and nobody told me? Oh my God, please no.”

“Who cares, so what if I did, they have probably seen it before.”

“Can I have him in my arms yet??”

“Look how perfect he is!! I dare someone to say he has a cone head!”

“Let me just take a peek at all that hair under his cap.”

“No hair, it’s ok, he won’t be bald forever right??”

“Wait, why does my stomach still look pregnant, they got everything out right??”

“Maybe they left something in there!”

“I can’t keep my eyes open.”

“No really, they weight one hundred pounds right now.”

“Just a little doze…oh my god how long was I out? Where am I?”

“So, what do we do now that he’s here?”

“Maybe he will sleep all through the night, he seems to be a really good sleeper right now.”

“I think I will get up and put my regular clothes on now.”

“Oh dear, why won’t my jeans fit past my big toe?”

“Please don’t tell me I still have to wear maternity clothes??”

“Wait, I don’t remember wearing underwear with holes all in them?”

“Did I just pee myself when I got up?”

“What is going on with my body??”

Newborn Lockdown

This is what I have been on for the past seven weeks.  It's that time that your pediatrician puts the fear of God in you about leaving the house for any length of time because anywhere you go is a germ infested nightmare.  Just when you get the courage to venture (sneak) out on your own, you can hear the voice of the pediatrician and you know at the next visit they will question you about it.  They will stare you in the eyes and say “Did you leave the house at any point?” It’s not that you doubt your pediatrician, you just want to double check their advice. What do you do? 

The only logical thing of course, you Google it, find out if anyone else has left the house with a newborn and went into public early on.  You will get fifty-eight million different answers from mom's on the Baby Center, most of which will ask you "what kind of mom thinks about taking their newborn out that early?!" Since I have not been able to leave the house much, it has given me plenty of time to learn about my new guy. I would like to share with you what newborn lock down looks like for us and for those of you that will soon be experiencing this.

1.) He is constantly plotting

All that projectile vomit it not an accident.  He plans to avoid the burp cloth and aim straight for my hair, face, the seventh outfit I have just changed him into or down my shirt.  Even though he can't laugh just yet, I am pretty sure he is laughing on the inside as I panic to find anything in sight that will clean up the vomit while trying to stop it from going anywhere else.  He possibly has his father's sense of humor.

2.) He’s secretly an owl.

He sleeps the entire day away, come 11pm to 3am he is wide away and extremely happy about it. 

3.) He’s a little Houdini

The entire time we were at the hospital this guy wiggled his way out of even the most experienced nurses' swaddle.  You put a blanket on him, he will be sleeping and still kicking his way out of it.  Its pure talent really, I see it as a possible milestone.

4.) He is an over-achiever

At seven weeks this guy holds his head up for a long time and drinks six ounces like it's nothing.  Between the Houdini act and this, I'm pretty sure it should be documented and noted on admission applications to college.

5.) He has a mission

His mission is to help me lose weight.  I know this because every time I go to sit down after heating up a meal, he starts to cry.  It wouldn't be so bad if the food wasn't sitting right in front of me and I could smell it the entire time I am feeding him.  

All jokes aside, I am so blessed to be home and learning all these amazing and funny things about my two guys.  I find that my days are so much more fulfilling and entertaining with a newborn and two cheerio smashing, Mickey Mouse obsessed, on nap strike toddlers running around. 

6 Things All Moms Have Googled

I can bet that if we all compared our search history on Google, they would be very similar. It is the questions you don’t want to call your pediatrician about or you have already called him twenty times and you just need to make sure he is right. Then there are the times you want to search for a rash so when you go to the pediatrician you can advise them as to what it is and what cream they need to prescribe. Its okay, you can admit that you have searched the six things below, we won’t judge you because we have all done it too.  

"Is this poop color normal??”- As a first time mom especially, the color of poop can become a bit worrisome. You analyze every single thing about it and can’t dare ask a friend or your mother because you clearly do not want them to think you are overreacting over poop. Even though deep down you are panicked.

"Web MD”-I bet you just laughed out loud when you read that. This honestly should be banned from all mom’s computers. Things can get escalated pretty quickly on that website, your child just went from having a rash caused by allergic reaction to scarlet fever.

"What is this rash??”-Babies and kids get rashes, especially babies from head to toe. No rash is exactly the same and most of the time it’s nothing. However, you just found pictures of rashes on Google and none of them look exactly like your child’s. You suddenly panic thinking your child has a new strain of rash that has not been diagnosed ever!

"MAJOR projectile vomiting”-I remember being a first time mom and my son did the whole exorcist projectile spit up. I searched it on the internet and then frantically called our pediatrician at two am on a Sunday morning. He was pretty sure from my voice message it was a crisis. He calmed my fears and now on baby number three, projectile spit up does not make me flinch.

"How does this outfit snap??”- We've all been there, middle of the night, half asleep, changing them into a new outfit. Suddenly, you can’t be sure if it’s the sleep deprivation or if this outfit has a malfunction. You think “Am I missing something?” You are going to need to check this out online. Surely, other parents are having problems with this outfit snapping, it can’t just be you.

“Is that noise he is making normal??”- From the way they cry, the sounds they make when they sleep and even the noises they make when they laugh. New moms and veteran moms alike sometimes have a hard time deciphering if a noise is normal or not. I can assure you though chances are if you go to Web MD with this, your child will have whooping cough by the end of the search.

Dear Single Mom

Dear Single Mom,

We've never met and I am not a single mom. You might be wondering why I am writing you. It is because I am the daughter of a single mother. I wanted to take a minute to encourage you and hopefully give you a perspective from your child’s point of view on being raised by a single mom.

You may be wondering if you will ever be good enough. If you will ever be able to fill the void and be the mother and father to your child. You worry that your child may grow up resentful or feeling less than others because they only have a mother.

I know you have concerns about having to work so much to make ends meet. You come home from working a full time job, only to leave later to the part time evening job so you can pay the bills. As you send your child to another family member or sitter for one more day. You cry because you spend more time at work than with your child. You wonder if your child will look back and see a life filled with no father and an absent mother.

You stay up late at night, working on another paper. You are determined to get a better education so that you can only work one job and spend more time with your child. You begin to wonder if the late nights will be worth it. You wake up exhausted and do it all over again.

As a daughter raised by a single mother, raised without a father in my life. My mother worked two jobs, attended college full time and struggled to make ends meet. During her college years, we lived with my grandmother. While she worked and attended school I was with a sitter or a family member if possible straight from school.

I am who I am today because I was raised by a single mother. Watching her work both jobs tirelessly to pay the bills and to help fun my extracurricular activities at school taught me dedication. It showed me that mother’s but especially single mothers have a drive and are capable of anything they set their minds to. I knew growing up I wanted to be just like me mom, fearless. I never felt shuffled from sitter to sitter. I have wonderful relationships even now as an adult with both of my baby sitters. They are amazing women and help mentor me.

I never missed not having a father in my life. My mom attended all school functions and big events in my life. I had family members that lovingly stepped in and filled a void. Uncles that became my hero’s and a grandfather that became like a father.

Single mom, you are amazing. You are so much stronger than you can ever imagine. You may think you are not doing a good enough job. That you work too much, that you spend too much time with school work that you want to just give up. The little person that is watching you sees something you might be missing. They see that you are there, not giving up on them and willing to do whatever it takes to help them thrive. Single mom you are more than enough. Hold your head up and know that you are doing something that not most could do.

Sincerely,

The Daughter of a Single Mom

When Your Birth Plan Doesn't Go As Planned

I will be the first to admit that as a new mom preparing for labor and delivery, I did not have a birth plan. My plan was to have a healthy baby, whatever way that was going to be. By whatever way possible I completely meant a natural birth. As you can imagine with my first child being born naturally, I was not disappointed with my plan. Then along came my second child, let’s just say he decided to mix things up a little bit. He decided to become breech at 30 weeks pregnant and stay that way. This sweet child of mine still does things his own way. Suddenly, I realized this was by no means part of my “birth plan.” Yes, I wanted a healthy baby, however I always envisioned that healthy baby being born naturally not by surgery.

I recall the moments before I was taken in for surgery and someone said something to the effect of “This is just terrible you are having a c-section. Nobody wants that and I was praying this wouldn’t happen.” I am sure the intentions were well meaning, but in my emotional and fragile state all I heard was “failure, “birth plan failed.” I began sobbing so hard, she was right, nobody wants a surgery. This was not at all what I had planned.

I remember my husband asked if I wanted him to pray with me. I couldn't speak through my sobs, I just shook my head “yes.” In his prayer he said “God, I am so thankful that you gave me a wife, a mother to my children that is willing to do whatever it takes to get our son here safely into our arms. You knew when you chose her to his mother that she would be willing to take this on even if the face of fear and the unknown.” I will never forget those words, they are the words that calmed my soul and warmed my heart. They are the words that made me suck up my tears and say with confidence “Let’s get this guy here.”

When I first heard his cry, saw his face, touched his check and kissed his face nothing else mattered. I had forgotten everything else, even that things didn't go as planned. It’s funny how moms can do this so quickly. When we hold our babies we forget about all the pain, tears, weight gain, and sleepless nights for the last nine months. We forget about the zombie state we are about to encounter once they arrive and then we are ready and willing to do it all over again.

My birth plan did not go nearly as I had planned but it went exactly how God had planned all along. The minute we know life is growing inside of us, we instantly put ourselves last and our child first. We make birth plans but the reality is, we are willing to throw that all at the window when faced with the decision to get our baby here healthy. God knew I was going to be scared, feel like a failure and be filled with worry. He knew that regardless, I would be willing to face those things and go with how He wanted our sweet son brought into this world.

In the end, how he got here is just how God wanted him to get here, it was God’s birth plan for him all along, not mine.