He Hates Me

Yesterday it happened, I thought it would take much longer than this, after all he's only four. It was the kind of day where he didn't take a nap. Every mother knows days without naps are doomed. Everyone including mom is going to want to cry and pull a temper tantrum. I kept it together and went about my day. Everything was going good considering, then I told him he couldn't wear just his undies and cowboy boots to the grocery store. This is when it happened. He looked at me and said "Fine. I just won't hold your hand ever again." Pause "Oh, and I won't ask you to tuck me in at night ever, ever, ever AGAIN!" If my momma heart could have actually broken into a million pieces, it would have right then and there. Inside I was completely broken. I had to fight back the tears. It was the first time he had been so mad at me that he wanted to hurt me with his words. I calmly said "I am so sorry you feel that way. Maybe we can talk about this later. If you change your mind, I would still love you to hold my hand and let me tuck you in." He walked away in silence. I wanted to beg and plead with him. I wanted to say "Please, no! I will allow you to wear your undies and cowboy boots to the store. Just please always hold my hand and let me tuck you in at night." I knew I couldn't do that. Mostly because I could not take him into the grocery store looking that that. 

I spent the remainder of the evening over analyzing ever minute before and during the event. Why didn't I just let him wear what he wanted and avoid the grocery store? Why didn't I tell him I was sorry? Now he hates me! I am the single worst mother on the face of the Earth! I felt this heavy guilt weighing on my heart about all the ways I had failed him by making him mad enough to feel that way. I felt as though I just scarred him for life. 

That's when the moment of clarity hit me. Get ready....I am not a perfect mom. Maybe I could have done things differently or maybe I did everything just right for that situation. I will never know, I am learning as I go. I needed to give myself a little mercy mixed with a lot of forgiveness. 

I know this won't be the last time he becomes upset with me. As parents we all walk this fine line of wanting our children to love and like us, yet sometimes we will do things they can't understand and they will not like us for it. Sweet momma, can I tell you that it's o.k.? It's o.k. if sometimes they choose not to like us because in the end they will always love us. More importantly, we will always love them.